“When I lost Charlie I lost my whole life”

How should I find joy in my life when the only thing that capte me alive is death? Me and Charlie met when we were 4 in daycare. We immediately started to play together in the sandbox and after that was we inspterbell. We have always been in the same school and every class except in seven grade when we ended up in two different classes but that was only one year, because he eventually switched class to mine.  Charlie was my best friend and has always been there for me my whole life. But this year, June 25 2020 he got in a car accident and eventually passed away during his treatment in the hospital. I remember the day that he got in the car accident his mother called me and said that I should come to the hospital, She didn’t say anything else just that I should come quickly. 

On my way there my father told me to not be worried and that I couldn’t start speculate about what was happening. My first thought was that he had tripet in the steers in his house and hit his head because he is clumsy and has done that before. His mom told me to come to Karolinska sjukhuset in Huddinge. When I got there and saw his mother there I saw in her eyes that something was wrong and that this time it was serious. We sat down and she told me that he was on his way to football practice and his friend's mom was going to drive them but on their way there a car drove in their car and all the trees in the car were treated in the hospital. I asked her if he was alive and she said that she didn’t know he was in serury and they needed to wait until he was back. I burst into tears and I couldn’t breathe. We waited in the hospital for three days and those three days were the worst three days in my life. 

While I was waiting by Charlie's side I didn’t eat anything. I was too worried to eat and from the day he died I have struggled with an eating disorder. Charlie was always Funny, thoughtful and caring. If i had one chance to say something to Charlie it would have been “ I miss you”. Everyone always thought that we were dating because we were always together. 

When I lost Charlie I lost myself, I haven't felt proud of myself since May and if Charlie was still alive he wouldn’t have been proud of me. I just wish I could say to my younger self that “take advance of your time with your closest friends and family”. And I just regret that I didn’t tell Charlie how much he actually meant to me before he died. I will never forget some memories with him and especially not when we were in Gothenburg and in Liseberg.