It's Okay To Be Not Okay

 It’s Okay To Not Be Okay

She wasn’t aware of her mental illness. She didn’t talk about her feelings at all and kept everything inside her. She kept her feelings for herself because she was afraid that people would judge her. She wanted to run away from everything because she didn’t understand any of it. Everyone around her thought she was fine, a normal teenager with big dreams and a bright future. But the reality was different. She was just pretending like everything was okay but actually she was feeling so bad that she didn’t understand how bad she felt. She was a very popular girl in her school and dyed her hair often because it was trending. But she didn’t see it that way, she saw herself as a new person every time she dyed her hair.

One weekend one of her family members had pressed her down so much that the next day in school after a P.E lesson she had a laughter attack first, followed by a crying attack. It continued for 20 minutes. She cried and  laughed over and over again until her best friend took her outside to get some fresh air. While they were catching a breath she fell on the ground and everything turned black. Her friend called an ambulance and she woke up at a mental hospital. It was now clear that she had her first panic anxiety attack. She was there for only a few hours because the staff said she’s feeling well enough to go back home. Soon after she got back home she decided to drop out of school and move to London. She was hoping for all the hard things to go away if she escaped from them and moved out of the country. She wanted to create this person without feelings, this person that everyone looked up to, this person who accepted her past and could live with it and that her life would take a big turn in London. Life in London was a teenager's dream and she lived their dream. Although she worked her ass off, she had a lot of fun and didn’t want to leave. This life she had in London wasn’t good for her mental health but she didn’t care about that. She just wanted to enjoy life for once and don’t care about the mental part. Her fun life in London didn’t last long. Already after six months she moved back to Sweden and four months later she met the love of her life. She never showed her feelings and had always hidden them inside. But her new boyfriend started to talk with her and that’s the first time ever she had talked about her feelings with someone. The worst part of all this was that she finally understood how badly she was feeling.

Today she’s feeling better than ever. She has a lovely little girl, a funny husband, a family that cares about her and a house in Tibro. She says that to give birth to her daughter was the best thing that had ever happened to her. She doesn't hide her feelings anymore and talks about them with either her husband or someone in her family. She has accepted her past and has learned to live with it. But most importantly she says that she knows that it’s okay to not be okay.