“Lonely but strong“

To bring together a good economy has always been one of my big life struggles. It has forever been something I fight for. For the majority of my life it was just me and my kids on our own. To be a single mother handling two kids under there most important years of their lives has been required sacrifices. And with all these payments chasing me every month and a middle class salary I many times thought that our family wouldn’t make it through the month. 

I have tried to reduce unnecessary costs in my life that didn’t make a big of a deal to my family. Unlike most families in year 2020 we don't have the requisite to buy new things that is a sign in today's society that you are one of the rest. One in the crowd. We have gotten used to having the same clothes for years and do not desire the new and better as everybody tries to show. But it has and will always be hard. In today's world view is tough and competitive for the economy and who’s having the best and newest stuff.  On social media it’s easy to compare yourself to other people and their life. And for my children and the majority of kids in this world are addicted to looking like everybody else and sees new things they want. Many times my kids come to me and ask for new clothes or the newest phone. And everytime when I am forced to deny them things that contribute to their happiness my heart breaks a little bit more every time. 

I have always tried my best to prioritize my kids' health and their needs, and sat my needs aside. They are my heart and soul, and means everything to me. A mothers job is to do everything in my power to bring all the great things in life to theirs.

It’s difficult to adjust and get used to these situations and this lifestyle of ours. Yet today this has a big impact on me and my mental and physical health. I'm getting stressed at daily bases and that has made me not like to go to malls, and it's even hard for me to go grocery shopping when the money on my card slowly has disappeared over the month. 

When the exspendings come in our mailbox, the one feeling that spreads over my body can bring my day from the best to a miserable unhappy day like others in my past. I’m afraid that i won’t be able to pay every single one of them. That’s one reason why I often avoid opening my mails and bills. This has been a huge stress factor for as long as I can remember. For just a few seconds keep living in my own perfect world. But inside I know that it’s impossible to postpone the inexorable. 

I have always blamed myself for what I did in my earlier school years. One of my biggest mistakes in life was to stop studying after high school. I’ve never been good in school but I could have at least tried. Under those years, the least I thought about was my future and how my financial situation, me and my children would be affected. 

I’m not disatisfied about how my life turned out but I wish I did things differently. But you normally realise your own mistakes too late to fix them.

My life cleared up fast after high school, I got a job with an okay payment and I was very lucky that I got to wonderful kids that are so understandable with our situation. They always support me! 

I’ve always lived with the mindset “All evil comes with something good” and my children have learned that you can’t take anything for granted and to be grateful for the little things in life. One thing that we all should do more is think before and prioritize what you feel is significant and important in your life.