“Right now I have a hard time understanding myself. For my surroundings I think it's hard to understand the struggles I’m going through. For them I am the happy girl with a lot of energy, the girl that seems to have her life in order. The things that they don’t see is that under all of that I can barely understand myself, what do I want and who do I want to be. I help my friends with their problems and I know that they are here for me but I don’t think they understand that it does not help. They can’t help me with my real problems because there is only one person who really understands me, with her I can talk about everything. She knows I have a hard time right now but not even she can help me understand myself.“
“We can always try to understand people but we can never understand someone perfectly. For other people you can paint a picture of who you are but that can be just acting. I know because I have painted a picture of myself as a happy person that has a lot of energy. I think that the picture I have painted up is the person I want to be, I want to be happy and I want to understand myself. I have made myself think that I am that happy girl. I have now realized that it’s just the person I want to be not the person I am. This summer I started to question myself. I had no idea of what I wanted or what my thoughts meant. I started to lose myself. I have now started to see a therapist to talk about my feelings. I don’t like it at all. Not even the therapist understands that my problem is that I don’t understand my own thoughts. If I don’t understand my own thoughts wow are they going to understand them?”
“When my thoughts are all over me and I can’t figure out what I really mean I like to be with my friends. My best friends can make me feel better in a second. They can make my hard thoughts that I don’t understand disappear. When I am with them I don’t have to figure myself out. I also like to have training by myself then I just have to focus on the practice. The reason why I like to have training alone is because then it’s just me, I don’t have to focus on anyone else and my thoughts are just on the practice. “
“I hope that I soon will start to understand my thoughts but right now I don’t think I will. My friends tell me that it will get better but I don’t think they really understand how bad I feel. Honestly I don't think it will get better because how can you just suddenly understand your own thoughts when you have not been able to do that before. Even though I don’t think it will get any better I really try because I want to be happy and understand my own thoughts and hopefully I will even if it will take a while.”
Filippa B 9A
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