“ I have always been jealous of the people who had it easy in school”

 After I finished high school i started working but i had always thought that i was going to start studying again. I always thought that it was super difficult to take that step because I was never a great student and school was never easy for me. Which made me very indecisive i felt like everything was to hard for me and that i was not good enough to study.And I also felt like that I could not study a vocational program as i thought that if I choose a program like that i would decide my future. I did not know what to do but I always knew that I wanted to study past highschool. It was like a promise to myself. I started to study at a community college. I thought that it was going to be a soft and easy start back to studying but i was totally wrong about that. And I realised that I had not changed from my 19 years old self. I still thought that school was boring and that I still have a hard time studying. And that is because i always had it hard in school that i always fought in school. I never had an easy day in school, every assignment was a hard battle. I handed the people that had it easy in school I was always jealous. And when I started community collage i always tried to tell my salf that it was okay to have a tough time and that everything is not easy. I never felt that in middle and high school i always thought that it was plague or cholera that school was a burdon that i was forced to do. 

I was bored i had worked in the same place since the day i left highschool and i did not know what to do.I asked myself if this was what i wanted to do the rest of my life. Or if not this what would i like to do.And i thought for a very long time that it was hard to know. Because it felt like i had to choose my future. Even when i started high school I remember asking my mom if i had to decide my future after high school. I felt lost because of course i did not know what i would like to do the rest of my life i was only fifteen. And i still hade the same feeling when i was 25 I felt like I did not have anything to do. That I was still lost and did not know what to do. And right now i need to know what to do. I am an adult i need to get my life together. 

I started to think carefully and long on how i would tackle my future. So I started to wonder what do i think is fun what do I like to do. Instead of thinking what do i have to do to make other people happy, to make other people proud and live a boring life. I tried please people and not think about what i really love to do.