“I can unfortunately never take him back”

I am currently going through an important and somewhat difficult period in life, high school has been a security för me the last few years and some of the most fun period of my life, when I graduate high school after the summer I will try to get into a school so for me it is now important to study my grades and invest in school all I can. I have had many good years in high school, my best friend started in the same class as me about two years ago but this summer I got one message that took a lot on me. He, my best friend, took his own life and we both had a lot of things that were planned together, it was a tough period in my life, it took me really hard but also people around me too. It still stays in me and hurts, he would fill years now and we were going to celebrate him, that day it took extra much and it felt like I got back the same feeling I got the day I found out he had taken his life, but I did work on it and it is clear that they will get easier with time. I’ve learned to anyway accept what happened and I can unfortunately never take him back and I can not let go of the whole my life collapsed because I lost him, I still miss min very much and that will I do the rest of my life, I’m sure. After this happened, I still realized that I was happy no matter how hard it was to lose someone who was so close to me. That which made me so happy now and which helped me to come back on the track was partly my wonderful girlfriend who takes care of me and helps me with things that I need help with, talk to me, make me stay on this earth during tough periods and never let me give up when it’s hard. 

Then of course my family makes me happy, they are always there for me and support me in everything I do, then I also have my sport which makes me happy because there I have something I can lean back on and feel a little freedom. I have people around me who make me happy and make me feel good. 

I have learned an incredible amount in my life, some of the things I have learned for my childhood, I had a very good and fun childhood I did a lot of things that were mischievous but after this I have learned what things to do and not to do. During all these years I have also built up my self confidence and i would probably say that I have pretty good self confidence. Of course they can go up and down but when I feel like I’m good at something like that increases my self confidence a lot and then I believe in myself much more but when it is things that I am not as good at, my self confidence can drop but I always try to be motivated to get better at those things. 

During a time in my life it was hard it is also one thing I learned, that everything is not easy and you will have tough periods in life, but I have lived with panic attacks during my teenage which has been hard and taken on me a lot. I have had my panic attacks when it was too much or when I just felt like I had failed things. It has now been almost 3 years since I had a panic attack last time but this summer I was afraid of getting one again, the two hard on me to lose my best friend and every now and then one of my biggest fears is getting back judgment. But I never got it, which was nice. But I have a fear that has always been with me and it has to do with the panic attacks and it is to fail. I always try to strive for the bet myself and when I fail it feels like I am taking a step back and when I am fails again and again it feels like I will never reach my goal and it is scary because if it gets too much like that it can lead to me getting my panic attacks like are so extremely hard to have.

Amanda L 9c